the date has been decided: 9 May 2015, insyaAllah! truth be told, it’s been a bumpy ride to arrive at the date since first broaching the subject sometime in october. what i thought would be a straightforward process of us choosing the date then getting our parents’ agreement was delayed by scheduling conflicts. as the wait got longer, i started feeling anxious, impatient, and being full of resentment. coupled with a really bad week at work, at my lowest i was snappy and unhappy and throwing a pity party for myself that things weren’t in my control. when i came across a quote that I had written down previously – joy is a choice – i thought bitterly to myself it’s not even an option. i don’t think i’ve thought to myself “life sucks” since my angsty teenage days. it was just so depressing.
at the peak of these feelings, i started feeling conscious of what eckhart tolle calls “pain body”. my Ego was hurting. it was unhappy that something as important as my wedding date had to defer to external circumstances. once i realised that, i told myself to try separate myself from my Ego. it worked for a bit. . .i felt less upset on the whole, and tried to be more understanding of the situation and just tawakkal.
triggers like my desired vendors posting that they were starting to get fully booked in the first half of 2015 would bring some of the anxiety and resentment back. not to mention, this wait for our wedding date was taking a toll on our relationship. the poor boy was feeling a lot of pressure from me. and so our wedding became a taboo subject.
BUT it’s all water under the bridge now. i have a date. and we are doing nikah+bride reception on saturday and groom reception on sunday, which is my preferred choice. alhamdulilah, i’m happy. and excited to embark on the wedding planning journey with my mum and sister and little niece who keeps asking “what colour will your wedding gown be cik kraken?” and of course my dad, my catering paymaster (heheh) and my brother, who has already been assigned the role of operations manager for my actual day insyaAllah.
the first step of our wedding journey has already been a humbling lesson in patience and trying to better manage my emotions. who knows what the rest will hold. wallahualam. for now i’m guessing it’s going to be a huge negotiation exercise. i’ll have to learn to let go and be open to ideas from both my family and future family, because my wedding is not just about me.
the next step for me is book my bridal service, and secure my first choice decorator once my parents have chosen their caterer. if it turns out that my first choice decorator is already booked on my date, i hope i will be able to accept it graciously. (it’s hard cos they opened their 2015 bookings when our wait had just begun) and hopefully the photographer whose work I’m in mad love with replies my email enquiry, with rates that are within my budget.
p.s. i also sometimes wonder if i’ll start hating the wedding planning process and think to myself “ah tulah nak sangat start planning kan?!”